Thick Skin

First time (and probably last time) to post from mobile. Spell checker makes it so much easier though.

I'm just sick today and I promised mom I wouldn't use my laptop so now I'm here. I didn't want to tweet because I didn't want anyone to worry but I wanted to get things off my chest.

I guess I'm just saying it hurts. Things you say; it's hard to discern intent through text. I'm not a writer so maybe I'm just not good at that.

(I'm really hoping you're not reading this. I love you so much. Please don't think I want to give up on us. I just want to rant without bothering anyone.)

It's kind of difficult for me to say things about this because it's a rather sensitive topic nowadays. People who get depressed are a handful, but I knew that committing to this. I have friends who get depressed and I'm here for them, too. And since depression is a health issue, of course those in better health are supposed to take care of those in need of help. Just like right now, I feel super bad because of my sore throat so my parents, who are healthy, are taking care of me. I just wanna ask the question though, are depressed people accountable for what they say during their depressive episodes? Maybe it's just cause I'm sick right now, but I feel extra bad knowing I can't help you through it right now. It hurts me, but especially now, to read about what you feel. I want you to feel good, to feel better, but you make it sound so hopeless all the time. I don't want to raise this question because it's such a sensitive topic and I don't want you to feel guilty I feel this way. But it's just so hard. Do they need to apologize to people they've hurt during their depressive issues?

Does thick skin help against words you read or only against words you hear?

There's a reason I'm still here.

It's 4:31 in the morning and I'm still up. Just finished a fifth of a gallon of ice cream (finished because it was literally what was left in the ice cream container). I'll probably be too scared to go downstairs to take care of my mess.

. . .

There's a reason I'm still here, in this same state, in what I perceive to be my comfort zone. It's not anyone else, it's me.

. . .

To be fair, I have seen change though, pretty novel changes to say the least. I've been enjoying my time too. New experiences, less new friends, just culling out the people who I want my circle of friends to include. Don't get me wrong, if you wanna be a part, they by all means please stay. But please, stay. I'll accept you if you keep coming back.

Er... this wasn't the point of this post. I'm just rambling again. Still my old ways. That's the problem isn't it?

. . .

Heh. Artistically Challenged.

Treading thin lines.

And Juggling Landmines.

I should put these lyrics into song :))

Bingsu Trigger.

"Patbingsu is a Korean shaved ice dessert with sweet toppings such as chopped fruit, condensed milk, fruit syrup, and Azuki beans. The snack is highly popular in Korea. The food originally began as ice shavings with red bean paste." (Wikipedia retrieved 7 September 2016)

I don't recall how it exactly started but between the exchanges of "Hey, are you okay?" and that damn single parenthesis smiley emoticon, we went out and had shaved ice. Disguised as a "reading session" we went out on a date. At this point, I have no idea if I want to post this so I'll label it as Will Never See the Light of Day for now.

"We don't talk anymore like we used to do~"

I miss the "dings" that messenger makes that make me hope it was you on the other end. I just wanna write this to say the sorry I never said out loud (or rather, the sorry you brushed off (well that's how it looked like to me anyway (okay, too many nested ()'s))) or rather, the sorry you seemingly brushed off. I'm sorry I didn't realize I had that option. I'm sorry I'm not good at waiting. I'm sorry I forgot to do the one thing I could have done during Christmas break...

Press Send.

Logistically Compatible.

A tangent line. Closer and closer it goes to meet the curve. They meet once and after passing, they drift apart never to meet again.

I'd like to say apologize to my friends who expected better of me, who I disappointed, who were made to believe I could do it. I apologize to everyone who told me so, especially to those who told me to just do it.

My bad XD

I was a fool XD

Forget about things for a while.

I think I need to make blogging my new, do thing to start doing things.

But for now I just want to start typing so that I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Beware, this will be a long and rambly post, one that might not have an ending. Right now, I have no plans for this, just rambling post incoming.

I think that I like my course. Biology is fun. I'm not a fan of anatomy. Or I'm just a case of bad circumstances. Let me try to dissect my problem right now. I think I should go back to when I was struggling with Biochemistry.

I found that I didn't not like Biochemistry, it's just that I thought I didn't like it. I found it difficult because I didn't understand it. I didn't understand it because I slept in class. I slept in class because I didn't sleep at night. I didn't sleep at night (not enough sleep at least) because I was procrastinating. I was procrastinating because I found other things more interesting than the subjects I had... which leads me to believe that I don't really like my course as much as I had thought I did? Or does Biology have to have a hook for me to get interested? Shouldn't I just inherently be interested in it because I chose to love it? Am I just saturated right now?

To give light on my current state here's this paragraph / wall of text. I had to appeal to keep my scholarship back in the beginning of the semester so I was unable to register other subjects other than my Bio Majors. I didn't pre-rog because I thought "Hey, I'm a Bio Major, I can handle Bio Majors." You know like four of them, all in one sem. Hahaha. Well, past that, I could see myself studying for them, but I like to blame it on when my parent's left me for a month, to take care of the house. Seriously, I wasn't ready for that. I had to deposit checks and stuff o.o That's like the most grown-up thing I've ever done! But I learned to do that, which is cool now I guess. But I like to blame that month as the reason I never got my study habits for the semester in check. I never told my parents but sometimes I would skip my first class because I woke up late. Because I had to do requirements in the evening, you know, after handling all of the money stuff and the tutorial center. I had to handle taking care of my little brother too. Yeah, even just driving and fetching him for school was kind of a hassle. I really wasn't ready to grow up.

And I'm just not ready to grow up still. I still want to play. I think this has been the central thesis of my blog since I stopped liking her. But it also makes me appreciate my parents more because they do all this for me while I only have to worry about my studies. And that's the thing I'm not happy about right now. That's all I'm doing right now, worrying about my studies. I'm not working to get better grades, I'm not working to learn better, I'm just worrying. It's so petty, I can't even believe that I haven't gotten over it yet.

Also, I dropped a major, so I think I might be delayed, and I'm still in the red when it comes to passing my other major. One major, I actually like because it has math (maybe I could do math for my life instead?). The other major is a hassle and I've let down my groupmates far too often then what is prescribed (prescribed is to never let them down, and I've done much worse). And I have that one stray lab class. Why have I achieved such a fate? Why have I put myself in this situation?

And yet I'm still not dead. There is a reason I'm not dead. I don't know why yet. Maybe it's to finish my Biology course and to become an inspiration, or you know maybe I'll discover something Bio-related. Maybe it's just to motivate the people I've met and going to meet. Maybe it's to sacrifice myself for the people I've met and going to meet. Maybe I need to make 12 children. Maybe I need to be a radio disc jockey. Maybe I need to be a sports announcer (Dota 2 is an esport, so that probably counts). Maybe I need to be a youtuber. Maybe I need to be a game developer (indie or mainstream). Maybe I just need to fall in love. Maybe I need to finish my scholarship. Maybe I need to tweet more.

I'm not dead. I am thankful. I will contribute to the world. Not a big contribution yet. Small ones for now. I should start now. Yeah. That'd be great.

//Not re-read nor proofread.
//Unedited.

Huh.

I still exist to you.

But I doubt you're any more interested than you were the night we met.

Can I change that though?

Do I want to do that right now?

Handle-edged sword.

D... D... Do I fit that description? o.o Oh gahd.

If you only knew

Who am I talking to though? o.o

Also, I think. I think. I think... I may have gotten a girl's number :)) Will update when I wake up.
I should probably study after updating :))

"suicide??"

If I try my best and fail a class because I was given two difficult classes at the same time, can I blame them for my failure if I could have taken one of the two difficult classes in the previous semester? That's not considering the other subjects I will be enlisted in. So... is this suicide?

OH GAHD. Other than getting the difficult Bio I should have taken last semester, I also got the difficult Biochemistry Bio subject O: So... Bio 102 is hard mode and then a Chem 40 new game ++.

Here's to no failure! This means no games for a while too :( oh well hahahahuhuhu T-T

2am Rewind.

I might have been exposed to SNSD at an earlier period if I didn't have a girlfriend, I think. Yeah... Maybe, just maybe.

GAH. MUST WAKE UP AT 7 THOUGH :)) Someone wake me up :D

//Could have been separated into 2 tweets though. BUT SCREW THAT :))
//Now 3 :D or 4 xD

This needs a long one.

So... all my matches today were losses. Considering I've only played this heroes once or twice it'd be fine. Except, everybody else seems to get the hang of their hero like right off the bat. It's like I refuse to learn. I don't know what to do, but I'm sure that if I want to play the hero, I've got to test them a bit more. It'll be fun, kinda. Maybe, not really. Actually, yeah it probably will be. But lots of hurt right now. Not for failing to learn so fast, but failing my team these games. Huhuhu. Learn Learn Learn. Need More Practice.

What. The. What.

"Wait, wait, what, they're not? But it's so freaking obvious!"

I. Have. No. Idea. How. To. React.

I'm not ready for this o.o I never have been ready and I never will be o.o

To quote myself  "she needs to be a gamer before a show of dominance impresses me :))"

This is gahh gahh what what. BLAGLAKH:RJAKGAHYPOIRUAKGLAHPRALGHP (can't pronounce that either...) I'm. Bleh.

Back to watching Frozen now. (Finally watching Frozen now.)

Much Feels. Very Feeler.

Ahahaha. Don't do that XD Update after we haven't chatted for months. It's... I'm a feeler xD

Nitrogen.

That's what I missed last meeting in Chem.
And I didn't go to a single meeting of Physics this week. I'm not entirely sure if that was my tenth absence or what. If it is, I have no idea how to tell my parents that I failed my Physics due to cutting class. I hope I can still write my signature on this week's attendance sheet, this week. I really hope so. T-T

I REALLY need to end the cycle. The fact that I'm NOT exempted from my Math Finals is freaking saying something. It's so embarrassing T-T I need to get my xhit together one last time.

Rather, it should be the last time I need to, for all the future times it will already be together before I even need it to be together.

So here's to the impossible because the impossible is an achievement. NO TO FINALS. After this Semester I will not take a Finals that isn't required, and if it were required, I don't need to go to it to pass.

Madness? No. This is... yeahp, it's madness!

~~~

Chaotic Good.

It's a burden to know what is good and to just feel you're supposed to do what is good, but still do what feels good.

But yeah, definitely no to un-freedom :-bd

Aaaaaaaand she's taken T-T

I still haven't changed a bit. I admit, I've been watching more TV series' and I even downloaded Korra season 2... I'm nocturnal now though. It's not something to be proud of, and I'm not proud of. I definitely can and will change that. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I slept at night... because I always sleep past 12mn, which is not night; then again it is called midnight :)) But past 12mn it's a.m. which means morning! (Well I guess it means before midday, literally. And before midday is day / morning, right? :)) )

So yeah, screw this lifestyle. Because I sleep in ALL my classes. Especially my Chem classes. It's like I don't even try to stay awake :/ And I can't though, which sucks... so yeah. Hoping I'll fix my body clock (fix = get it the way, adults expect it to be) and then graduate with honors. So glhf to me!

Also, currently watching: Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger
Will be watching: Legend of Korra Season 2
Just recently watched: Fate Zero and before that, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate (Love, Elections & Chocolate)

//Still can't get over the fact that SooYoung has a boyfriend T-T
//but I'm totally happy that she's happy with someone...
//who isn't me T-T :))

What the Chocolate.

Ugh... I'm up. Again. Again again.

And I don't have any food to get me through the night this time. And I have no idea how to discuss an experiment without results. Well I have an idea. But it's so stupid it just might work.

And that damn chocolate bar. The Universe is against me in a sense that it doesn't want me to have my way with things. The rehearsals in my head don't work, rather, nothing ever goes like how I rehearsed them. Just the Universe telling me, I can't run my world. Not exactly, how I want it to be. I think I had a chance but it was different from what I had expected so I didn't take it and the chocolate is melted and so I gave it away. And I feel horribad because I tried and failed again. Don't know what ever gave me the idea there was a chance of success... but I guess that's why we try don't we? To find out our chances. Maybe the RNG was not with me that time, or the Universe... or the the Universe and the RNG is the same thing and yeah the odds were not in my favor. Or they made me believe I didn't have the odds so un-action occurred.

Now I'm rehearsing again. That same scene, except with the circumstances that presented itself then. Except I can't perform it because its moment had already happened. I'm hoping some alternate Universe Maki has the better part of the stick on this flip coin (lol because.) and so yeah.

It's time I took a break from this break and have myself a Kit... Chem. I should do my Chem.

//RNG = Random Number Generator. Usually determines critical hits and evasion. And other rolls.

Not this Again T-T

CHEM GAMING AGAIN T-T

Can I skip the chemistry despite my end goal which is to become a biologist? Can I? Please?

Best to sleep now and study later eh? Apparently I only have two subjects tomorrow. The first at 7 am which I will be late for and may be able to cut. And another at 1pm which lasts until 4pm but should dismiss us a bit earlier. Then an exam at 6pm. So... Computing the time I may spend. 8:30am - 1:00pm break time = 5 and 1/2 hours of study / write notes / do prob set subtract an hour of eating and add 2 hours between 4pm and 6pm for some last minute cramming. I hope I can do it.

The goal is not to pass though... it's higher than that. And to get that goal I should've been preparing for this since the semester started. But I haven't and I feel guilty... but it's not too late. I can get the grade I want with the next two long tests and maybe finals if needed. But I won't let this first one be a waste of time. Still going to strive for excellence. I've got to. I want to. I will.

An update after that.

The amount of progress I achieve compared to the amount of time I spent getting the progress is less now than it was between the time I first posted last night and the after hour update. I don't know how I'll remedy this. Then again the previous progress was easy because it was mostly paraphrasing. Now it's time for analysis that I don't want to do. Ahahaha. Because I'm not sure how my professor wants it analyzed. I think I'll be staying up the whole night/morning because I have other stuff to do to. I guess I'll sleep during Physics? or actually every subject today. Sleeping in class is bad and I feel horrible for doing it no matter how refreshed I look / feel after waking up. I'M SORRY PROFS!

An Hour After Update.

Not exactly an hour but I may try the scheduling function. So I have a part of my paper. Probably the smallest part, in terms of points, but it's a start.

Took me almost an hour. Hopefully each section is like this too. Should be done in 3 hours then xD

It might have been the music that has been making me procrastinate. I'm probably not really a multi-tasker. Yeah... Maybe. Further testing needed... but not right now xD.

AND I ACTUALLY HAVE OTHER STUFF TO DO... other requirements other than this report T-T Hoping for the best xD Good luck to me! And to all who have requirements of any kind :3