Ragnarok.

I don't like the feeling that you're being watched all the time, they're always listing down what you're doing, because they're actually listing down things you did wrong. Then again it's probably just paranoia but I don't care, I'm blogging about it anyway. I was using my Y!m a few days ago and I had a stat that went something like this "How do you get good? You play right? But what if you don't want to look bad? Do you still play?". My friend saw it and she told me something like, "You will always be judged, it's how people work". Now that I think about it, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Being judged all the time probably means, you have to be the best you can be ALL THE TIME. I don't want to look bad doing something because I'm not yet good at it. She replied if you don't look bad the first few times, you'll look bad doing it forever.
She's probably right. Maybe I should just let myself go and do whatever, diving in head first, be a shoot first ask questions later kinda guy. But I can't, not yet. It's hard changing people, but I'm gonna try. Then again, I don't have a reputation yet so maybe I can still look bad and no one will remember me. But I don't want to be remembered as the guy who did that "bad" thing, and I think I know a few guys labeled something like that.

You (whoever YOU are) are probably thinking "what is this thing he won't do?" Don't worry it's nothing illegal :)). During the conversation with my friend we were talking about playing Ultimate Frisbee. I just didn't want to be the guy who's always dropping the frisbee and not being able to throw well. I'm also thinking maybe I should try dancing more. It looks really fun and I think its a good way of getting to know people.

Maybe I don't dislike being judged, maybe its just the looking bad that I can't handle. I think I'll try to look good, being kind and likable or something. I guess I haven't learned anything from this reflection that its okay to look bad, but whatever. I do want to be portrayed as someone who is fun to be with and someone who is really nice. So next time you see me, give me a chance. Don't judge me yet, I'm gonna be better.