UnPost.

So many things I want to post but I don't want to in my current state of mind, or at least that's my cover up for the actual reason, 'not right now'. I don't know which ones to post first and if ever to post them. I don't know how to start on them, but I have all the middle parts ready, but no intro (and no title). I usually end my posts on the spot but I still can't start because I have no start. I tried starting a few times but it usually ends up as, hold Backspace, Tab, Tab, Tab, Ctrl+A,Del.

I really wish I could just record all my thoughts. I'd post what I want you to read. But I don't think thoughts are like files on a computer like a .txt file that you can just read and edit anywhere. Maybe it's stored multiple times but each copy is copied from the previous like when you use paint to edit .jpg and you save it then it becomes blurry. You copy that pic and save it in another file it becomes blurrier and so on. Sometimes you're lucky and you get the copy of that thought but like the .jpg file it's the blurry copy and never the original awesome one.

As I was trying to finish this post I realized I didn't  plan to do a post like this yet here it is, complete with a title and everything. Maybe, I don't need to think ahead of time on what to post, just post what I feel like right now, right there and then. Hope to get a good topic next post.

It doesn't fit that way.

Round hole, square peg? Try as you might, it just won't work out. It's true for puzzles, for Biology, it's true for friends too. I'm actually writing this not from a recent experience.

I stopped trying ages ago, it just can't work out. I know it can't because we're just too different. It's not the difference I can't live with, it's what's not the same. You and I can never be any closer than we are now. I hope that maybe, in the near future, I'll change (or you'll change) and we can be better friends.

But then again, round peg in a square hole DOES fit. It may seem hard but it is possible. When I was a kid I proved it right. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough. Maybe we are different but I won't accept that difference. As in the previous paragraph, I hope I can change and we can be better friends.

I'm not naming any particular persons, I have not just one in mind though. I hope that when you read this, you don't think it's you. I hope that when you do find out, you don't feel bad and start treating me differently. If I can't seem to be better friends with you, at least let's remain average friends which is better than not being friends at all. At least, you know you'll have me and I hope that I can say you have my back too.

Why not?

I could name a lot of reasons to not. I could, I would, but I won't. It makes you think, "Why ask yourself this when you can ask yourself 'Why'?". Reasons are just excuses to get out of doing something. When you don't like something you have a billion reasons not to. When you like something you only need one reason to, and you will.

Friends of mine that are reading this will know what I'm talking about. I don't want to, not because I have a reason not to, or that I don't have a reason to (I have both reasons), it's just because I simply don't want to (Yeah sorry... I just can't.). I think that's how you're supposed to say no to doing something. No excuses, no "oh, I can't because dot dot dot". Because when you give excuses, the people who are trying to convince you will give counter arguments. If you say just "No", they'll probably reply "Why not?", then you can just say "No" again. And keep "No-ing" and they'll eventually go away. It might seem stupid or rude but that's just how it is...

I guess the point of all this is that today, I learned that when I say "No" and give some reasons why, I'm actually saying, please convince me to say Yes. But when I say "No" and just 'No' I MEAN 'NO', clear?

Why I'm blogging this though? I don't know... I felt like it. I couldn't say No to the urge to post something. Plus Saying / Typing No is fun! (It's way shorter to type than Yes, so NO! :D)

Why don't I remember?

I don't know why but I think better when I'm in the bathroom. Don't judge me but, it's really quiet in the bathroom, or you can stand in the shower and all you hear is the water whooshing out the shower head. I used to think a lot in the bathroom but I never seem to remember it fully. I can remember parts just not the whole thing. I wish I was able to translate my thoughts into words like what I'm doing right now or maybe, store it all somewhere where I can interpret it and maybe then I'll be able to know what I'm thinking.

I wish that whatever I think of I could broadcast so that I'll get feedback and it won't just be there in my mind only as thoughts, only as bottled up emotion, then bursting at the worst possible time. Believe me, I try talking about them, but there never is a good time for them to come up. Things I usually think of are outcomes to what I'll be doing that day or the next day. The event never goes as how I thought about it in my head. It looks right in my head then it looks like crap in the real world. I also think of arguments for when I'm ready to explode. I'm already thinking of excuses in the bathroom before any scolding is thought of. Yet, I never have the courage to blow up to get scolded at some more BECAUSE I blew up. I also think of things to say or to write down (and yes, I did think up some of this post in the bathroom, some because I kinda forgot the rest). All those things I want to say, all that I want to talk about, nowhere to go, never mentioned, never remembered. Don't get me wrong, they're not forgotten just never remembered at the right time. I wish thoughts and memories were stored how memory on a computer is stored, just raw data on a given space which we can upgrade and give out easily.

I love the quiet in the bathroom and nothing will make me change my mind about thinking in the bathroom.

Fun. More Please.

My First Prom was awesome. All that I expected of Prom was there and more.

People in my school clean up nicely. Guys were cool in suits and Girls were pretty in their dresses. I don't think I can name anyone who didn't look good. Waiting for my date was fun too, being at the entrance and seeing everybody enter. Table assignments were just right despite us changing, wanting to change back,  but not changing back. The desired formation for our friends' tables was obtained anyway. The program was okay and the cotillion dancers were great. The food was fine, and I wish I went back for more fish fillet. The people given awards were sort of expected and our Prom Prince and Prom Princess made a cute couple. The dancing after was the most fun. I said a few posts ago that I didn't like dancing because I don't like being judged. However, because of Prom, I've come to like dancing. Dancing is so fun, dancing with anybody and everybody, I'm glad I got to go to Prom. I LOVE DANCING. I got to dance with everybody I wanted to dance with and more. I'm kinda sad it ended too abruptly though. There was no announcement that it was the last song already, plus the last song was not the best choice.

But, thanks to all the people who made the prom possible. Thank you to my date, I'm glad you were my date (she was also the friend I was talking with about not liking being judged). Thanks to my friends who let me dance with them, who let me dance any way I wanted. Thanks to friends of friends that I danced with.

Prom was Awesome. I want more Prom :)).