Vs. The World

I'm not sure if the Universe is against me or with me.These opportunities are crazy and from the answer I thought I had... I now have more questions.

Details I shall never post. You'll just have to extract them out of me. Some of you will have a harder time. Actually most of you. But just give the right password and it'll be all well.

There is room for change but for now I'll just stick with it.

Why'd you have to go

and come back?

It was weird when you left. One person less in the group. I thought it would be the same and nothing would change. Except for maybe the lack of your seemingly quiet presence. Seemingly because we all knew you weren't the quiet type. But there was one thing you were quiet about... and when you came back... well it all went even more downhill.

Before you left, it was pretty fun with the group. Nothing was awkward everything was just fun. Well for me atleast. Obviously that wasn't the case. When you left, things started surfacing, and the most devastating for me, happened after the December break. When you came back, you didn't hang out with us as much; you always had plans. Though the times we did hang it was normal, just like the old times kind of thing, but it wasn't like the old times because you were gone even though you were there.

After December break I realized I was really being blind. I was turning away from what was. I never had a chance but you did. And you took it. But what happened? Tell me. I thought you had it covered. I thought you had a plan past that. Did you? Did it not work out? Could it have?
//Well I tried to take it and crashed and burned on that one

We don't hang out anymore though this semester we're going to be classmates. I don't mind though. It was a weird last few months. This past semester I hadn't heard of you and now here you are again. Though I heard you don't hang out anymore, well obviously. You do know why right? Right? I know you are that smart, that intelligent. I have no plans hanging out like we used to but if the universe tells me too then I'll be alright with that.

I guess I'm just feeling bad for the friendship that was lost. I'm sorry I didn't try to get it back to the way it was. But the normality of you gone... I thought everything was set.

Maybe someday we'll all hang out sometime. Maybe when you guys stop avoiding each other. Maybe when it all gets un-awkward...

Okay, let's face it that's going to be impossible. Atleast say hi next time. Even just the next time.

But yeah. You still... You're still... I've forgiven you, though it's not my place to have been hurt. But I'll remember that...

But I'll remember the old times too.

//Does this sound like it's for a girl? o.o
//Not really senti-mode just remembered some stuff because of homework.
//Inspired by other posts about other friends

Cold Feet.

It's normal for me really. I go to sleep in a room with the AC on. I'm awake before I fall asleep though. And well yeah... Cold Feet.

I wake up kinda still. That's why I love the sun. It makes me feel alive and part of the world. You could call me solar-powered even. Though without the sun I'm just a few notches short of cheerful. Putting me around glad maybe?

No matter how many socks or blankets I put on, I'll always have cold feet.

What's important is that I live with it and use it to my advantage. The moment it wears off it's an even better feeling.

Yesterday = Yeah.

Today = Definitely.

Tomorrow = Most Probably.

But who cares?

Also side note, Timing was excellent today. Despite the lack of sunlight the universe seemed to cooperate with me. A side-r note, I hope I don't need to hunt for another damn notebook!

For now I will escape.

Thank you to games who make me think I am not myself, and let me put myself into somewhere else I am not in. Thank you games who let me decide on who I want to be there while letting me be me here. For now I shall escape again to a game I can be me as a different me. Only to return as myself maybe better but definitely more myself than I'll ever be. Thank you games. Thank you.

Snark Started a Scribble of Something like Such

"Love one, not two but love the one who loves you too."

Hm... Well I wanted to start posting on some guys status at this hour; note it wasn't some random guy, it was a guy from my elementary years, not a very good guy, might be a player, but definitely one of those elementary people who like likes on their statuses about love that they may or may not have just plagiarized from the internet. But then it made me think as I went out of my room to take a piss.

I don't think you love one when you love another. I think that to love another, you should love one, her and two, yourself. If you don't even know how to love yourself, how can you learn to love someone else? If you even think that you already love someone else, without loving yourself, who's to say that it is actually love?

In short, it's probably something like how can you live with others, if you can't live with yourself? One should learn to love himself and live as himself because it's the only person one will ever be. If you're too insecure about yourself it will really be hard looking for a partner. And if you do find a "partner" will it last? It'll be your fault too because you're so wound up in being insecure, that even your "partner" thinks of them as insecure, you'll break yourself, you'll break them, in the end, instead of patching yourself up, patching your insecurity, you'll create a bigger hole for yourself and exposing a hole for another. Okay maybe that was too negative but I think that's sorta how it happens.

Not that I'm referring to my previous relationship, which was brought up... well it wasn't but I remembered it from a recent conversation. Well I think it really was my fault. I wasn't sure of myself. I wasn't at all sure of myself. I didn't know what I wanted at that time, though I don't think I know what I want now either, but that's probably why it didn't work out. Albeit she might've been unsure too, I think it was still my own fault that it fell apart... so I broke it up all together. Though it could have been, no one has been there to tell me whether it was or not mutual so now I'm going to say it wasn't and that it had been my fault and my decision.

I don't think that I didn't love her, or had grown to no longer love her, it's just that I never loved myself fully so I didn't have the capacity to love her. Or maybe the world has rules against that, like Rules of Life that won't allow you to love another successfully because you don't love yourself. Maybe it's like a level system, before you love her, you have to love yourself and a few other people... maybe that's it? Maybe it's just me making up excuses for the guilt I felt. Maybe I'm still unsure.

Actually, hell yeah I'm unsure. It's this insecurity of mine that got me into this in the first place. Well I probably didn't know it at that time but still it probably was this. I was unsure what I needed at that time, a distraction, a friend, a something.

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Maybe the someone you love was supposed to help you learn how to love yourself and should you stick with it, it will work out eventually. What if this could happen with every person in the world, you only had to stick with it. Albeit, it would be easier with some, and harder with a lot of the others, it could be done. It could be done. Maybe love is just a decision to just stick by someone that eventually with enough time and patience will also stick by you.

Love's probably not one-sided. You can't love someone if the other doesn't love you back, AND if you don't love yourself, and I guess, as a corollary, if the other doesn't love himself. Love needs two. Love needs me and you? Probably could be song lyrics somewhere.

[What about loving God? Hm... this deserves a different post, a post you might not ever see, or a post I might not ever type. I might think it up and store it in my mind, but maybe not type it down and store it on the internet.]

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Life is therefore a game. And one of the difficulty settings is who you choose to Love. Some will be easier while others will give you hell, you could probably even do without it, but it's there and you can complete the game without it. It's just up to you whether or not you want that good ending, which also depends on what you think "good" is.

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I guess I should probably try again soon. I'm more sure of myself now and have a vision of what I am and who I want to be in the future. Though it's still blurry, as it should be, because one shouldn't and can't know of his future, it's still a vision. It'll probably change but atleast I have a guideline/s. I have things I want, just not in what order I want to get them but I definitely have definite wants. I will now try to achieve / procure / fulfill those wants. I'm going to try, I'm going to do something. I'm going to do something now.

I have a goal. It's to get the Good Ending+.

//GIGANTIC WALL OF TEXT AHE... Oops, too late :D Me thinks me likes these kinds of posts. Me just too lazy to write them or too "busy".