Motivations.

I have no idea why I made that word my title.

Whatever they are, it's probably not love right now :))

Just leaving this here.

At least, for a little bit more.

I just wanna write stuff right now. Well, type stuff. Whatever. I just want my thoughts out tonight. I don't wanna bother anyone right now because I don't feel like it's a time to bother people right now. I'm resisting the urge to chat so many people tonight; I've impressed myself really. People are online right now, but I don't want to bother myself by bothering them (if that makes sense).

What do I want to get out of my system? I find myself lacking in physical contact I think. I haven't hugged my mom recently. I should do that soon especially with my mom leaving at the end of the month. It's from my mom I really get my fix for hugs. Yeah, time I've given and received is not lacking.

I think my Magic mania has finally died down a bit, to give way to org stuff and supposedly more importantly, academics. I still really want to go look for cards to buy, because it'll help me grow my collection and because I want to spend. Buying things for oneself is really satisfying, I think. I should cut down on my expenses though because I don't my scholarship privileges this semester. I have some saved up though, so that's a great emergency plan.

I really wanna stop my search, well not stop, more like put it on hiatus, my search for love. But I really want my hug or even my holding hands fix. I can't seem to find anyone on my radar recently, so I've decided to go on hiatus I guess.

I discovered a question while talking with a friend, "Are girls oblivious to the fact that they are making guys hope?" I guess it could be asked of all people but a certain girl was our topic. I don't know the answer possibly because I am oblivious to this possible power that humans possess. Which really concludes to a "Yes" I guess. Which sucks, I guess. At least for the overthinkers and feelers. Regarding overthinkers, you can never know if you're overthinking or you're on the right track because you love open options. And all possibilities are plausible until one is taken.

I should probably go to bed soon. Maybe this could be my wind down activity. Writing... and stuff. I don't ever want to sleep in class again but I still don't have a foolproof reason. Honestly, it's my ego which makes me justify my sleeping in class. "Eh, I can catch up later." "Nothing cramming can't handle." "Lol, I'm me." I appreciate the ego boosts but most times I'd rather have the push in the better direction which is humility really. I'd like to be able to do Bio, if not for my love of learning, but to do it without feeling the need for my accomplishments to be recognized. Achievements are probably what keeps me playing, they give a sense of fulfillment, which is a really great feeling.

But I must drop my gaming this semester. New 3DS? Not this sem. Not yet. Also, probably why it's a good thing I don't have stipends this sem. The reason I'm scared of dropping gaming is that I might make it habit to NOT game which really means one thing essentially.

"I don't want to grow up. Not yet."

I'm not ready. Change is coming though. It scares me but I'm hoping I'll be thankful after all this.

Until the next one.

//so like Journal style now?
//for cataloging memories?

Money.

It makes the world go round.
It's the root of all evil.

I hate it. It's not that it's inherently evil really, it's the love for it that makes it evil. It really sucks that it makes the rules. I can't really think of a world I'd like to live in without it though. I'd just like to come home and not have to worry about any problems regarding it.

I don't want to save. I want to spend. That's what it's for. For obtaining other items for use. But investing and saying no to debt is so difficult. Instant gratification wins over almost all the time. It's horrible. I hate it. I hate the feeling of worry. I hate being uncertain. But it's become my habit, uncertainty, RNG.

I realize now why I'm a scholar. I realize now why I have to finish college. But I still don't know what I'm doing after. They say it's a problem for tomorrow you, and luckily tomorrow never comes. How to live with money? How to live without it?

I'm still just so confused. I refuse to understand its system right now, which is my fault really. I just want to

be happy.

Forget about things for a while.

I think I need to make blogging my new, do thing to start doing things.

But for now I just want to start typing so that I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Beware, this will be a long and rambly post, one that might not have an ending. Right now, I have no plans for this, just rambling post incoming.

I think that I like my course. Biology is fun. I'm not a fan of anatomy. Or I'm just a case of bad circumstances. Let me try to dissect my problem right now. I think I should go back to when I was struggling with Biochemistry.

I found that I didn't not like Biochemistry, it's just that I thought I didn't like it. I found it difficult because I didn't understand it. I didn't understand it because I slept in class. I slept in class because I didn't sleep at night. I didn't sleep at night (not enough sleep at least) because I was procrastinating. I was procrastinating because I found other things more interesting than the subjects I had... which leads me to believe that I don't really like my course as much as I had thought I did? Or does Biology have to have a hook for me to get interested? Shouldn't I just inherently be interested in it because I chose to love it? Am I just saturated right now?

To give light on my current state here's this paragraph / wall of text. I had to appeal to keep my scholarship back in the beginning of the semester so I was unable to register other subjects other than my Bio Majors. I didn't pre-rog because I thought "Hey, I'm a Bio Major, I can handle Bio Majors." You know like four of them, all in one sem. Hahaha. Well, past that, I could see myself studying for them, but I like to blame it on when my parent's left me for a month, to take care of the house. Seriously, I wasn't ready for that. I had to deposit checks and stuff o.o That's like the most grown-up thing I've ever done! But I learned to do that, which is cool now I guess. But I like to blame that month as the reason I never got my study habits for the semester in check. I never told my parents but sometimes I would skip my first class because I woke up late. Because I had to do requirements in the evening, you know, after handling all of the money stuff and the tutorial center. I had to handle taking care of my little brother too. Yeah, even just driving and fetching him for school was kind of a hassle. I really wasn't ready to grow up.

And I'm just not ready to grow up still. I still want to play. I think this has been the central thesis of my blog since I stopped liking her. But it also makes me appreciate my parents more because they do all this for me while I only have to worry about my studies. And that's the thing I'm not happy about right now. That's all I'm doing right now, worrying about my studies. I'm not working to get better grades, I'm not working to learn better, I'm just worrying. It's so petty, I can't even believe that I haven't gotten over it yet.

Also, I dropped a major, so I think I might be delayed, and I'm still in the red when it comes to passing my other major. One major, I actually like because it has math (maybe I could do math for my life instead?). The other major is a hassle and I've let down my groupmates far too often then what is prescribed (prescribed is to never let them down, and I've done much worse). And I have that one stray lab class. Why have I achieved such a fate? Why have I put myself in this situation?

And yet I'm still not dead. There is a reason I'm not dead. I don't know why yet. Maybe it's to finish my Biology course and to become an inspiration, or you know maybe I'll discover something Bio-related. Maybe it's just to motivate the people I've met and going to meet. Maybe it's to sacrifice myself for the people I've met and going to meet. Maybe I need to make 12 children. Maybe I need to be a radio disc jockey. Maybe I need to be a sports announcer (Dota 2 is an esport, so that probably counts). Maybe I need to be a youtuber. Maybe I need to be a game developer (indie or mainstream). Maybe I just need to fall in love. Maybe I need to finish my scholarship. Maybe I need to tweet more.

I'm not dead. I am thankful. I will contribute to the world. Not a big contribution yet. Small ones for now. I should start now. Yeah. That'd be great.

//Not re-read nor proofread.
//Unedited.

Click.

How do you let everyone know that you've let them all down?
I've been looking for my restart button for ages but there just isn't one.

I'd really like to load a previous save file right now.
I've been looking for my restart button for ages but there just isn't one.

I'd like to reroll my stats and reclass into a better student perhaps.
I've been looking for my restart button for ages but there just isn't one.

I've been looking for my restart button for ages but there just isn't one.
I guess I should just move on and do better than I have before.

Yes. Even if only marginally better. Just a smidge better today. Then just a little bit better tomorrow.
I don't need to be looking for my restart button because there just isn't one.

Huh.

I still exist to you.

But I doubt you're any more interested than you were the night we met.

Can I change that though?

Do I want to do that right now?

There is no safe place

to rant anymore :))

Should probably move URL's because obviously this is not my theme anymore. Well it probably is but the posts I have here are no longer of the same content as when I first started :))

Also, twitter is not safe because I am apparently applying for a twitter-heavy org :))

So yeah I'll leave with this.

The MemComm Head reminds me of my Ex. Not sure if good thing or bad xD