There's a reason I'm still here.

It's 4:31 in the morning and I'm still up. Just finished a fifth of a gallon of ice cream (finished because it was literally what was left in the ice cream container). I'll probably be too scared to go downstairs to take care of my mess.

. . .

There's a reason I'm still here, in this same state, in what I perceive to be my comfort zone. It's not anyone else, it's me.

. . .

To be fair, I have seen change though, pretty novel changes to say the least. I've been enjoying my time too. New experiences, less new friends, just culling out the people who I want my circle of friends to include. Don't get me wrong, if you wanna be a part, they by all means please stay. But please, stay. I'll accept you if you keep coming back.

Er... this wasn't the point of this post. I'm just rambling again. Still my old ways. That's the problem isn't it?

. . .

Heh. Artistically Challenged.

Bingsu Trigger.

"Patbingsu is a Korean shaved ice dessert with sweet toppings such as chopped fruit, condensed milk, fruit syrup, and Azuki beans. The snack is highly popular in Korea. The food originally began as ice shavings with red bean paste." (Wikipedia retrieved 7 September 2016)

I don't recall how it exactly started but between the exchanges of "Hey, are you okay?" and that damn single parenthesis smiley emoticon, we went out and had shaved ice. Disguised as a "reading session" we went out on a date. At this point, I have no idea if I want to post this so I'll label it as Will Never See the Light of Day for now.

"We don't talk anymore like we used to do~"

I miss the "dings" that messenger makes that make me hope it was you on the other end. I just wanna write this to say the sorry I never said out loud (or rather, the sorry you brushed off (well that's how it looked like to me anyway (okay, too many nested ()'s))) or rather, the sorry you seemingly brushed off. I'm sorry I didn't realize I had that option. I'm sorry I'm not good at waiting. I'm sorry I forgot to do the one thing I could have done during Christmas break...

Press Send.

Money.

It makes the world go round.
It's the root of all evil.

I hate it. It's not that it's inherently evil really, it's the love for it that makes it evil. It really sucks that it makes the rules. I can't really think of a world I'd like to live in without it though. I'd just like to come home and not have to worry about any problems regarding it.

I don't want to save. I want to spend. That's what it's for. For obtaining other items for use. But investing and saying no to debt is so difficult. Instant gratification wins over almost all the time. It's horrible. I hate it. I hate the feeling of worry. I hate being uncertain. But it's become my habit, uncertainty, RNG.

I realize now why I'm a scholar. I realize now why I have to finish college. But I still don't know what I'm doing after. They say it's a problem for tomorrow you, and luckily tomorrow never comes. How to live with money? How to live without it?

I'm still just so confused. I refuse to understand its system right now, which is my fault really. I just want to

be happy.

Clutter.

If there were something wrong, I'd tell you.
Since there's nothing wrong, what would I tell you?

Nothing. I can only tell you nothing.

Questions from you come and I don't have answers. So I answer I don't know. But maybe the right answer is just nothing. There was nothing to know and I knew that it was nothing so the answer shouldn't have been I don't know but nothing.

Well, that wasn't the argument anyway. You acknowledged my scholarship, you acknowledged my lack of vices, it's just that the cleanliness... then the waking up at the right time.

I know what to do. I know how to do it. I sometimes wish I didn't. I don't want to be labeled smart or intelligent, because those labels come with responsibilities, hell, all labels come with responsibilities.

Maybe I don't want that. I don't want responsibilities. Honestly, I just don't want anyone to think of me as their responsibility. I don't want to hinder anyone's growth because they're stuck worrying about me.

While we're switching topics randomly, let's have a go at this one. You know how it's unfair that your parents are cramming and you're cramming and they're telling you to not cram. I think the term is hyprocrisy? Anyway, well I figured out why it has to be this way. The previous generation is just trying to better the next generation. All the things they've done we're now doing and they're trying to prevent it from happening to us. Honestly, I don't know how I should react to this, whether to go with the flow, to be changed for the better, or to go against it, and be stubborn and remain the same.

That's it then! When faced with adversities, the instinct is to fight back. I don't want to, but I do. I don't mean to not do the things you tell me to do, it just looks something I have to fight against, anything that interferes with my easy going lifestyle is bad. It's something I can rebel against so I do.

I'm sorry for that.

I want to clean up my room, my life... and I will.



Cooling off now. I like blogging because it helps me get what I can't say out. That's probably why my voice cracks up when I do confessions because I'm not used to them being oral confessions. Also I guess the things you say did hurt because I knew they were true. I really do want to be better, hell, I want to be the best that ever was. But cleanliness is not the top priority for me. I get to cleaning around stuff. The laptop's desktop is clean, my pokeboxes are kinda clean, my schoolbags are organized-ish, my clothes are compartmentalized. It's just the table. That damn table that people can see. Really, it's all about appearances. If no one can see your good works, who can say you did good?

Let me give an opposing theory too, what if because you can see the mess it channels through your work. So messy scenery equal messy work. Hm... maybe if there were a study I would believe that. One more thing, I seem to like rules, or proof, or evidence. I just wanted to point that out.

Well thanks blogger. Hope my mom never sees this. I really ought to clean up my table now. Gahhhhhhhhhh. Fine! I'll do it. I can't go to the bowling later though because I don't want to anymore. And I won't go to the trick-or-treat tomorrow either because I didn't fix my costume in time and because currently I don't want to. And yeah live in the now, enjoy time right now. Your future is decided by your now anyway so why worry about the future. Actually screw that, don't worry about anything at all. Just do your stuff. Do it. All of it. But then more stuff comes. When will I be able to play until forever?

//END.

PS. I also like records of things that's why messy is nice. Messy means I was there, it means I've left a mark. BLAH BLAH Cleanliness can do that too -_-"

Sometimes all it takes is a finger to point directions

Just a general direction. The direction you were already going. Just to reassure you. I am unsure. I have always been. There are times when I act unlike this but I've always been unsure. It's just sometimes I have to have a facade. Not for them, maybe for them, but mostly for me. It's what I keep telling myself. But that finger pointing really got my drive back to what I want to achieve.

Thanks W-man (because tentatively "Wingman" might not be the appropriate title anymore)

Routine Life: going through the motions

And that's why I hate weekends. Rather, I hate weekends because it has the lack of routine. I really like keeping to a schedule or hm... no not really... just something being normal. But not just going through the motions. Or is it worth going through the motions if there's always that one single motion that makes your heart jump? I love weekends because I can play. But I hate getting out of them because I have to start working. It's the work that's hard... it's the starting that's the problem. Like riding a bicycle, once you push off it's just easy. Albeit there may be some roadblocks or bad roads ahead, you'll be able to cruise through those.

And what was I talking about again? :))

Well whatever. I want a more free blog a blog I want can speak Filipino in but not this one because well... I just don't wanna. So yeah might new blog somewhere else.

But it's the starting to new blog that'll be hardest :))

Snark Started a Scribble of Something like Such

"Love one, not two but love the one who loves you too."

Hm... Well I wanted to start posting on some guys status at this hour; note it wasn't some random guy, it was a guy from my elementary years, not a very good guy, might be a player, but definitely one of those elementary people who like likes on their statuses about love that they may or may not have just plagiarized from the internet. But then it made me think as I went out of my room to take a piss.

I don't think you love one when you love another. I think that to love another, you should love one, her and two, yourself. If you don't even know how to love yourself, how can you learn to love someone else? If you even think that you already love someone else, without loving yourself, who's to say that it is actually love?

In short, it's probably something like how can you live with others, if you can't live with yourself? One should learn to love himself and live as himself because it's the only person one will ever be. If you're too insecure about yourself it will really be hard looking for a partner. And if you do find a "partner" will it last? It'll be your fault too because you're so wound up in being insecure, that even your "partner" thinks of them as insecure, you'll break yourself, you'll break them, in the end, instead of patching yourself up, patching your insecurity, you'll create a bigger hole for yourself and exposing a hole for another. Okay maybe that was too negative but I think that's sorta how it happens.

Not that I'm referring to my previous relationship, which was brought up... well it wasn't but I remembered it from a recent conversation. Well I think it really was my fault. I wasn't sure of myself. I wasn't at all sure of myself. I didn't know what I wanted at that time, though I don't think I know what I want now either, but that's probably why it didn't work out. Albeit she might've been unsure too, I think it was still my own fault that it fell apart... so I broke it up all together. Though it could have been, no one has been there to tell me whether it was or not mutual so now I'm going to say it wasn't and that it had been my fault and my decision.

I don't think that I didn't love her, or had grown to no longer love her, it's just that I never loved myself fully so I didn't have the capacity to love her. Or maybe the world has rules against that, like Rules of Life that won't allow you to love another successfully because you don't love yourself. Maybe it's like a level system, before you love her, you have to love yourself and a few other people... maybe that's it? Maybe it's just me making up excuses for the guilt I felt. Maybe I'm still unsure.

Actually, hell yeah I'm unsure. It's this insecurity of mine that got me into this in the first place. Well I probably didn't know it at that time but still it probably was this. I was unsure what I needed at that time, a distraction, a friend, a something.

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Maybe the someone you love was supposed to help you learn how to love yourself and should you stick with it, it will work out eventually. What if this could happen with every person in the world, you only had to stick with it. Albeit, it would be easier with some, and harder with a lot of the others, it could be done. It could be done. Maybe love is just a decision to just stick by someone that eventually with enough time and patience will also stick by you.

Love's probably not one-sided. You can't love someone if the other doesn't love you back, AND if you don't love yourself, and I guess, as a corollary, if the other doesn't love himself. Love needs two. Love needs me and you? Probably could be song lyrics somewhere.

[What about loving God? Hm... this deserves a different post, a post you might not ever see, or a post I might not ever type. I might think it up and store it in my mind, but maybe not type it down and store it on the internet.]

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Life is therefore a game. And one of the difficulty settings is who you choose to Love. Some will be easier while others will give you hell, you could probably even do without it, but it's there and you can complete the game without it. It's just up to you whether or not you want that good ending, which also depends on what you think "good" is.

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I guess I should probably try again soon. I'm more sure of myself now and have a vision of what I am and who I want to be in the future. Though it's still blurry, as it should be, because one shouldn't and can't know of his future, it's still a vision. It'll probably change but atleast I have a guideline/s. I have things I want, just not in what order I want to get them but I definitely have definite wants. I will now try to achieve / procure / fulfill those wants. I'm going to try, I'm going to do something. I'm going to do something now.

I have a goal. It's to get the Good Ending+.

//GIGANTIC WALL OF TEXT AHE... Oops, too late :D Me thinks me likes these kinds of posts. Me just too lazy to write them or too "busy".

The Elder Scrolls

So far, I've played Morrowind, Skyrim, and Oblivion, in that order. That's 3, 5, and 4, respectively by the way. I think I'm really into the Sneaky, Lockpicking, Pickpocketing, Blading / One-handedness, Marksmanshipping type. Except in Skyrim where I'm a Mage-Theif-Archer Hybrid thing. It's really fun, addicted to Oblivion right now because I can have it running somewhere near and I'm not going to read any FAQs as I did in Morrowind. It killed the experience for me to know what was this what was that, who was the best who was the worst, why this why not this, I'd rather find out by myself now. Although help like, oh should I steal this or not, like what I did in Skyrim is alright I think. As long as I don't try to become the BEST FREAKING CHARACTER WITH MORE THAN MAXIMUM STATS, because it's in trying to become the best that I get discouraged and stop trying. So I guess I'm content with myself right now and maybe I'll find a way how I can better myself. Maybe not be the best, maybe just better? I think better than myself is the best me I can be so yeah. Or should I strive to be the best? o.o Because it's really hard rolling stats and perfecting level-ups. Seriously. I think I should take what life gives me and make the best out of it, instead of going for the unreachable best and become one of the worst. Hm... sounds to me like giving up, or politics.

By politics I mean, everybody tries to become the president or some government official, but for what? To change the World? Ahahahaha. Everyone just hates you after anyway, well atleast that's how it's going right now. It kinda sucks. And well maybe this view on politics, well, you know, it kinda sucks too. Maybe that's why we're not getting the right people, it's because good people know that they'll become bad people if they go in to this. And well bad people, don't really have anything to lose. But good or bad is really subjective, and I know there is a grey area for this but hm... makes  you think.

Well whatever, I'll find something to do with my life. And in my Elder Scrolls' characters' lives. Just, hm... leave it to me :D

Tuesdays...

So, it's Sunday... And next to Tuesdays, maybe, it's my least favorite day. I don't like Sundays because they don't start up like any other day, and so they don't play out as other days too. Weekdays, start with waking up early for school, and end with going to sleep after doing / not doing homework. Except Fridays, which end with activity planning for Saturday or Late-night / Early-morning Gaming (rather, Night->Morning Gaming) like Saturday nights. Saturday mornings are usually the same as other Saturday mornings, but Sundays... Sundays are different. Sometimes you don't wake up on Sundays. Sometimes you're still awake and then oh yeah, it's too late / early to sleep now, so it's just Sunday out of nowhere. Unlike Friday nights which go like, "oh no, it's almost 5am, I should sleep...". Wakes up 12nn, it's now Saturday. Saturday nights just go like, "oh look, it's Sunday... ahahahahahahahahaha". Goes to sleep at 12nn, wakes up it's now 6pm, doesn't feel like a day has passed, so groggy and stuff like that.

So yeah the lack of normality maybe, or a rough guideline / schedule could be why I don't like particularly like Sundays. But then, I change what I'm currently into like really fast. Maybe one night, I could be into some RPG, another I could be into chatting. Then the next few hours, I'm into flash games again. Or back to that RPG, then to a different RPG. Or maybe chatting to an RPG. I don't really know... but yeah it's the I don't know what I'm going to do next thing that makes me think, why don't I like Sundays if that's what it's all about. Everything is still variable. Just realized something didn't connect there. Yeah, from my mind to this post, the connection was lost I suppose. But still, Sundays... Why?

Oh yeah, Tuesdays. Yeah... I "don't like" Tuesdays :D

So... you're asking for something not so not relatable?

I think I confused myself...

Because I cannot think of a long post today I will just have to do my normal thing... Confuse you by confusing myself with things I will not remember in the following days because I will have been trying to do that while I am typing that out, in the end confusing no one but myself and everybody else...

Just, um, Thank you. Thanks for the wonderful day. It didn't seem extraordinary and might have been infact extraordinarily normal, but still thank you. I think I like things this way. Life is good as it is. Life is fun. Life is nice.

Makes me think though... Some days ago I saw a post talking about contentment. Are we really happy with what life gives us? Is it like take everything life gives us, make something of it and be happy? I don't think I've made something of my life yet, and I'm happy somehow. But isn't happiness an emotion? Don't emotions pass? Am I really just content with what I have or is it because I don't know there's something more for me and I'm alive and alright so I don't really strive for something better? Should we be content or should we strive? Should we be content in striving for something better or should be content when we've gotten what we worked for? Is there something more than that? and so on...

This looks like an emo post to me, but I think that I'm thinking. It's for me to think of my life at the moment and see what I can do to make it more than my life now. Or is it for me to think that my life is perfect and I should be happy that I got this far and have what I have?

What if you had to risk what you already had just to have a chance at something better? No guarantees you'll get something better, but it guarantees you'll lose what you already have. Maybe it's contentment that keeps us from moving forward. Maybe it's the risk of losing that keeps us from moving forward. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown that keeps us from moving forward.

And I now don't know how to end this thing. If you went into my brain this might be what it would feel like. One thought to another connected by just a thread, barely even counts as a connection. Trees to bees, to birds and back to bees. I don't know anymore. I think I do need something sad or something angry to post about. I'm just happy right now, alright? Bare with me. If you're still reading this I commend you. Me: I commend you. Or something. That wasn't funny at all.

Maybe I'll be gone soon. Maybe you should check my older post titles. Maybe it has something to do with the bathroom. and maybe I'm not forever

Take the Risk.

they said...
You'll still be friends after they said.

I really don't know what side I'm on on this take the risk thing. Is it worth it? Will the positive outweigh the negative? Is it more likely to get a positive than a negative? Hell! Can you even get a positive?

I guess I don't wanna decide anymore. Or maybe I can decide, just someone else take the blame / responsibility if I'm wrong.

That aside... maybe I have what it takes. Maybe, if I tried. I haven't in a while now. It's a new beginning anyway, why not? Also this paragraph has no connection what so ever with the previous ones. I think I'm ready. I think I can face the responsibility now.

Rereading this whole thing, I think I may have said too much. But then it's not what you think, alright? I'm pretty much alive and well and not in chains. I'm pretty free here it's just that I remembered something. And well... OH NEVERMIND.

I think I can be more than a member.

Maybe I just need a push and the security I won't be challenged.

I think I can handle a group and keep everybody happy. It's what makes me think I'm a Two or Three wing Two.

Or I may just be a Six; I really don't know.

I want more hanging out time, hopefully next time there will be a lot.

I am hoping that there is next week but I hope that there isn't but until then I think I can't go anyway.

I want to go, I really want / wanted to but I guess I have to decide / have decided.

Spy against Spy. It's different though. I think... it's almost summer.

"I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was..."

I hope too much.

I don't mind. It's fun :))

Six wing 7

Three wing 2

Nine wing less

I dunno anymore :))

Black or White?

Being a Black Mage and all that does that mean that I can only do imba damage spells red mages don't have? I suppose there are black magicks that don't do damage, haste comes to mind. But haste on self? To do what? To cast more spells? To do more damage? Does this mean I cannot help others? I can only "help others" by destroying the problem? I don't really know. I've never tried to magick something up. Maybe I should try, maybe I should find out if I'm really a black mage or white mage in a black cloak. Or maybe... I'm a thief pretending to be a mage. Or a traveler in a robe. Or perhaps I'm a guy with a dagger just waiting for the right time.

I don't know if I want to be a black mage anymore or what made me one in the first place. I want to discover my place in life and perhaps it's best to do that if I'm a freelancer or perhaps a novice class. I like magick though it's really different. I'll see what I can do and then maybe just maybe I'll do something about it.

I got my locker back and that's good news. I'm not sure I feel the same way though. It's been different since. Maybe this is an isolated incident but I'm showing signs of nine-ness. I don't mind that means I'm getting healthier. I've been exposing my Three side too though but so far it was working out. Maybe I am a Three and not a Six. Maybe I'm just a healthy Three with Sixish qualities.

I'm starting to doubt myself? No I don't think so. I'm starting to doubt something else. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But first... Les Miserables.

Because I Am.

To be independent, but to have someone give directions.

To be happy for something, but to be sad for the same thing, for different reasons.

To let go of something, yet still question what could have been.

To move on, and to be back in the same spot.

To blame others, and expect to not be blamed by others.

To say what to do, but not do what has been said.

To be hopeful due to hopelessness.

Such is this life.

But It Won't Stop Me.

Bottled up?

Bottle it up.

Live a little.


Die a little.


Let it go.


Faerie is free, you now have 7 hearts.


Maybe I should copy Link.

I will coordinate.

I need to know if I want to do something. And that if I do, I don't look stupid.

Should I row the boat or should I just go overboard?
I believe I already row one boat... not going to jump ship this one.

Don't know what to do. Don't know how to say it. I just don't want to say anything that will make it go back to the way it was long long ago. I don't wanna go back to that, never again.

Constructive Criticism

I almost cried. I was hurt by the words you said and yet I couldn't cry. I don't cry. Those words, as you said were nothing, and yet they hurt. It was a weird feeling but it was alright. I learned, I guess. You taught me, and I wanted to be taught, and so I learned. I will develop and this if not for myself, for you. So thank you.

I don't like pain or suffering so I do not / do not have to cry. This feels like a sad post but it's more of a reflection.

And on a really off-track side note, please don't explain the joke when everyone gets it. Please. Thanks.

Funny Story.

This post is just to remind me of a funny story I told my friend the other day... ahahaha. Yeah... Imma post an artistically challenged post about that funny story if and when it's all finished :))

But while I'm here, Imma post anyway... So here it goes... No really, I'm starting... Right... about... NOW... okay, NOW.

You can't help but feel good about other people's accomplishments, you know? It's just so nice that they've done what they've wanted to do and now they're progressing. Then you think, "what about me?" It's selfish, I know, but it's true. I do feel good about your developments, all your developments, (I'm referring to a bunch of people, got that?) so it kinda feels depressing that I did get farther, then I got zoned (If you know about this funny story, then yes BLANK-Zoned). It kinda sucks, maybe because of the fact that I kinda did get far. I've gotten farther than I could have ever dreamed and am still hoping I could get farther. But as it has been pointed out, this is the saturation point. No matter what else I do, I'll never get farther than this... It kinda sucks, I guess, it sucks a lot... but that's life, just gotta keep on moving... on.

(Meanwhile, On the other side of the Rainbow)

FEELER, FEELER, FEELER (this is part of the funny story that I must / will write)

(Back on the other, other side of the Rainbow)

It's been so long that I don't think I can just go. The last time I tried it ended up in disaster... Yeah... I don't wanna talk about that right now... or maybe ever. maybe someday? but you might never see it. might.

I really gotta go do something though, I still have to keep it up even though it probably HAS reached the point of saturation, but there is a way out of the Zone, yes out of the bad bad bad zone. I'll be one of the lucky ones...

Just wait. (You wait, cause I'm get out of this, just you wait.)

Work Ethics.

Irrational hate is not irrational. I'm not out of touch with my instinct, I'm not a 1 or something. I shouldn't leave most anything to chance. Especially nothing I know I'm good at. Never again. Instinct take over. And you, yeah you, you might be reading though, but I don't care, feel the loathing. Work better, then we'll talk about working together.